courage and perseverence

Though the path is plain and smooth for men of good will, he who walks it will not travel far, and will do so only with difficulty, if he does not have good feet: that is, courage and a persevering spirit.

 

St. John of the Cross

 

 

I'm glad I happened upon this quote yesterday. It's definitely appropriate for my current state-of-affairs. I'm working on the "good feet" but it's kind of slow-going and I'm constantly fighting the despair of feeling that I will never quite reach the end of my current trial.

 

I think it started in the hospital. I was in the prep room waiting for DH to come hang out with me. I realized I would be alone this time and it overwhelmed me. The last 5 times I have gone into surgery, I always had my smiling beloved, decked head-to-toe in white scrubs and shower cap, holding my hand and telling me what's happening. On top of that comfort, the ordeal always ended with us greeting the newest member of my family.

 

Not now, though. Now it's just me, without glasses (which, in itself, can engender a panic attack) slowly passing out in a room full of strangers. Afterward, I wake up and realize I have this terrible addition to my leg and I will have to learn to walk with crutches and not leave my second floor for many weeks and be reduced to a mere observer in the life of our home. I can hear my little ones, I can know what they need, but that's not my job right now. It's a terribly impotent feeling. Frustrating and sad.

 

I suppose this is where the "courage and perseverance" part comes in. It's all well and good to say "fiat" and think you're done, which is usually the case in my life. I have been very blessed that, even things that look trying to the outside world, haven't been so much for me to bear, knowing that God is carrying my burden as I walk along with Him. I always have Our Mother to help me when times get too overwhelming in my motherhood role. She always seems to be there when I need a stable calm.

This, for whatever reason, is different. Perhaps it's because I'm getting older and this is a glimpse of where we will all likely end up one day. Everyone except DH who, when his time comes, plans to go out quickly with a massive coronary. It's not as bad as it sounds...he just really believes in doing things expediently.

Maybe it's also because, having been blessed with a 24/7 existence with my kids via staying at home and home schooling, it's a lonely feeling not being "in the mix" all the time. Don't get me wrong, it's been a delight to sleep in, have my "helpers" bring me meals and ice and make me a room service bell but it's different to be away from them for so long. Especially my littlest muffin. Babyhood is so fleeting. It is a cross to bear to be gone from their lives for the better part of a month.

So, that's it, I guess. This is my cross. The isolation and lack of control are things for me to offer up for those who need some extra grace. My pastor said it's time for me to be Mary instead of Martha. So true, that. I am also called to use this time away to pray and think and learn and rest and do all that I can to be ready to once again take up my role in our family. I hope that I can use my time well to be still and listen. Know that I will be praying for you :0)

I am blessed.