I'm in a mood today (you're shocked, I'm sure). My morning temperature fell through the floor, just like I knew it would. I never know how to answer people when we get into this discussion so, let me put it this way...we have never not been open to the possibility of new life. I don't like to put it that way because people get agitated...you're old, you aren't healthy, you already have five. Still, there is something within me that feels like, since we started this gig so late, why should we ever say "no" when there is absolutely no reason? I know, after 2 years of "not avoiding", we're done...I got that memo. Regardless, I still feel sad when I know it's definitely, absolutely, not happening this cycle. Perhaps it will one day not be an occasion of sorrow for me or perhaps it's just God's way of refining me through the fire of my own selfishness. Who knows? I'm trying to walk it one day at a time.
Add to that the fact that our helper walked in crying this morning about the "piece of furniture at the curb". It's trash day. DH threw out the crib. Sob. I'm hormonally deranged and he wouldn't have known since it came several days early but, still. Probably not the best day (and, to be fair, he unbagged the Christmas tree because I cried about it leaving last night - told you...deranged).
Then, Catechesis. I begrudge these women nothing since I was once them with many small children clinging to me and I get tired just watching it now. Still, perhaps, if two could have waited until another day to tell me they were pregnant. That sounds terrible and I am sincerely joyful for them. I am. I hold none of the jealousy or anger that once filled me at moments like this (see? change!) but with everything else, I feel like I probably wasn't as jump-up-and-down happy as I could have been. Oh well, next week.
Oh, and I forgot. Have you read the latest news coverage of the Pope in the Philippines? Something about Catholics not having to "breed like rabbits" and his chastisement of a woman on her eighth child/c-section, saying she was "tempting God" and "irresponsible"? That second part troubled me. A lot. All through this journey of ours, with each successive child, we have left it up to God..yes or no, when, how many. I suppose it could be that the woman is using artificial means to get pregnant but why not say that then? I was very, very disappointed that the head of the Church would say such a thing. It's like the whole world is upside down sometimes (I do allow for the media totally misstating it as well but, at the moment, not what I needed to hear).
Then, you know, the whole extended family mess continues. It is coming to a head soon and I'm less than thrilled about all of it. I feel anchor-less and sad. I wish other people's decisions didn't effect my family so directly.
OK. I bring the little ones home after Catechesis, during the drive helping them to work through why we don't have any more babies while the other people do, and there is an old box on my kitchen counter that Terri says our dear neighbor dropped off and said "perhaps we could use". God is good to me. He knows how mired I become in my selfish wants and He sends a sign that not even I could miss.
With all the same problems but a different perspective (20 years ago I would have crawled into bed with a bottle of wine) I headed out the door with my four Kids of Steel. We walked/ran through some beautiful snowfall all the way to church where we were completely alone (!) and could recite our Divine Mercy chaplet together and then talk a little about St. Sebastian, today's feast day.
I'm not filled with joy after this busy day but I am filled with peace (and, truthfully, we laughed a lot of the trip to and from church). I know that I am loved and I know that my blessings number among the stars. I am easily pulled into the desires of the here-and-now and I so often forget where I am headed. How blessed I am to have a neighbor who would take time in her busy life to answer the Holy Spirit's call, today, when I needed such a visual reminder. How I pray that my children learned something today...that faith is our constant companion; in good times or in bad. God is with us always and ready to carry us on the days when we just can't walk another step. I am so blessed.
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